The Art of Being Picked Up

I am the worst person a guy could ever try to pick up. As I have an innate distrust of strangers - my mother made sure I learned that lesson well - the only time I have kind thoughts of someone I meet on the street is when I have needed direction or information and the person kindly obliges. All other men who try aproaching me on the streets are (in my mind) secretly or blatantly looking for sex, rapists, con men, or casanovas.

The first time someone tried picking me up, I was out on a morning run. Emboldened by the fact that it was an empty street and I was a young teenager, he thought it would be easy to chat me up. What made his attempt laughable was that in addition to the fact that he was already in his thirties, he was wearing slippers as he trotted up alongside me.

"Miss, can I be your friend?" Original pick up line there. I ignored him.

"So you run every morning? I also run every morning you know. Maybe we can run together and become friends." Right. I rolled my eyes as his slippers went "flop, flop, flop, flop..."

As he still wouldn't go away, I became extremely annoyed at having my privacy invaded. I started into a sprint, leaving him smothered behind in my dust trail.

In another incident, I encountered a flasher - you know the ones who like to show off their sausages to strangers because they are so proud of them. Well, it wasn't a pick up, but the scenario is pretty much the same. Again, I was out exercising (what is it with men - why don't they leave women who are trying to enjoy their walk/run alone?) and he came up behind me really fast on a bicycle and grabbed me by the arm.

I was EXTREMELY annoyed. Privacy and time alone by myself was something very precious to me. Its a time when I download the events of the day, mentally process them and sift through my emotions. It's also the time when I walk away with important decisions that I would execute on the next day. During such times, I become extremely intense and focused on my thoughts and tend to block out the world around me. That is how the guy managed to get as close to me as he did without my noticing.

Anyway, when he grabbed me, it took me a while to realise what had happened and I was irritated. However, I thought that he might have needed some help with directions seeing that he had come to a stop on the bike and had gotten off it. I turned around to see what he wanted, and with a gleeful look, he said "look, look" and I was puzzled what he wanted me to look at. It was then that I saw him put his hands to his chest and opened up his long coat.

When I realised that he was trying to flash me, I was PISSED. The nerve of him to disrupt my thoughts just because he thought his widget would be interesting to others, seeing that it obviously was to him. He apparently must have thought highly of it or he wouldn't be going around announcing to the world of its existence. Without even so much as a glance down, i gave him an angry frowl, clicked my tongue and rolled my eyes while yanking my arm away from him. I continued on with my walk as if nothing had happened while a look of bewilderment and surprise came over him. He looked deflated. I don't know if anything else was deflated.

Why am I recapping these insignificant events from my past? Because someone just tried picking me up on the streets today. Again. The familiar sense of awkwardness, annoyance, and "God, how do I get out of this" moments made it a very uncomfortable walk all the way to my bus stop as he was trying to get me to go out with him.

While I have girlfriends who handle these circumstances with utmost tact and ease - they are comfortable and confident enough to make friends with strangers who approach them on the streets and even go out on dates with them - I cringe at the very thought. Images of being dragged to some back alley and being beaten, robbed or raped flash into my mind when someone who tries to pick me up on the street says "date".

My conclusion? If you guys out there value your ego and sanity, go try pick up someone else. While I know some of my friends will think me a snob or a prude, its the way my psych is engineered and there's nothing I can do to change it. So unless you come recommended by a friend or move in familiar circles (my workplace, church, salsa class, etc.) or are in my social network, please just move along and pretend that you never saw me. For your own peace of mind.